the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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