I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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