My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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