apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
