Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
