He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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