Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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