everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
