atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
