I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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