So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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