the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
