life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he shaved USA in his pubs
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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