But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
