I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You are a genius and a whore.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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