My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
