Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
third nipple confirmed
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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