Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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