oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
