Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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