I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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