I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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