you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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