Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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