i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
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there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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