Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize