if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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