What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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