winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
