We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
