new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
