Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did I show you my penis last night?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
