A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover