Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.