Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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