I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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