Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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