An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
