If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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