If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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