My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My cat gives me a boner
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
