You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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