Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
