Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
