OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
