You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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