Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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