All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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