I CAN MOONWALK!
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
