Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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