So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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