The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
