census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
