I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i believe in u and ur pee
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize