I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
