Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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