So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
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I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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