I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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