dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
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