God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
