You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
